Toilet Paper

A post where I work hard to avoid the obvious jokes and innuendos.

“One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it’s a finite resource, constantly in danger of extinction, that must be carefully tracked and monitored, like pandas.” Kelly Williams Brown.

I travel a lot. Sure, not as much as some people, but definitely more than most people. As a result, I get to experience toilet paper in a variety of environments such as hotels, airplanes, airports, and bathrooms on movie and TV sets (whihc can be their own special kind of horror).

It probably comes as no surprise that there is a wide variety of toilet paper beyond the 1 ply, 2 ply, 3 ply differences, which got me thinking, is there a toilet paper standard?

Short answer, no.

Which doesn’t surprise me since we can’t even agree on how to hang it on the holder, over or under. I have married friends who argue about this so they just lay it on its side on top of the toilet.

The first recorded use of toilet paper was in China in the 6^th century CE, and it was an oblique reference, with the writer commenting on the type of paper he would not use in the toilet.

Rabbit Hole

The word paper comes from the Egyptian word papyrus, which is the name given to the first “paper-like” material used for writing. Papyrus isn’t considered paper in the sense that we think of paper; it’s a different process. (The Egyptians were an incredibly clever people but not being white Europeans they must have had help from Ancient Aliens and I may be watching too much of the History Channel.)

End Racist Rabbit Hole

The Chinese are credited with inventing paper. The earliest known paper was found in China and dated to between 179BCE and 141BCE. Paper as we think of it is credited to Cai Lun, an imperial eunuch who developed a method around 105CE which allowed for the large-scale production of paper, changing it from a specialized cottage industry into mass production. Being a eunuch I guess he had more time to think about things like paper production.

By the 14^th century CE, the Chinese were manufacturing toilet paper at the rate of millions of sheets annually. In 1393, 720,000 sheets of toilet paper were manufactured for use at the Imperial Court and 15,000 pieces of perfumed paper were designated for the Hongwu Emperor’s family. Each sheet was 2 feet X 3 feet. I assumed they tore off pieces, but who knows?

Although paper had become common in the west by the 15^th century, widespread toilet paper use didn’t reach the western world until 1857.

So what were westerners using before then?

The Greek and Romans were known to use pieces of pottery, sometimes with the names of rivels written on them, as well as moss and leaves (campers know all about that), before settling, generally, on sponges on a stick.

It’s not known if the sponges were one use and discarded, or if they were cleaned by putting them in a pot of vinegar. Ouch.

Other common cleaning objects were corncobs, newspapers and magazines, as well as several instances of royal proclamations being torn off doors and used, although I suspect that was as much performative as it was practical.

Wealthy people would use cloth, while the rest of us would have used hay, wood shavings, sand, snow or even rocks (I kid you not).

Rabbit Hole

A French satirical writer, in his 16^th century novel, has one of his characters investigate different methods of cleaning oneself and concludes that paper is impractical and that the neck of a goose is best. I assume a dead goose since I can’t imagine a live goose (or a cobra chicken as they are known to anyone who has had an unfortunate interaction with a Canada Goose – and just about all interactions are unfortunate) would be willing to go along with that.

End Rabbit Hole.

Toilet paper was introduced to the North American market in 1857, by one Joseph Gayetty, who advertised a “Medicated Paper, for the Water-Closet”. Perforated roles appeared in 1890 and by 1930 toilet paper was being advertised as “splinter free”. Just think about that for a minute. Yup, before splinter free toilet paper there were thousands of reported cases of injuries caused by splinters in one’s derrière.

I started this by looking for a toilet paper standard. There isn’t one, but Consumer Reports has tested toilet papers, looking for the “7 Best Toilet Papers for You and Your Plumbing, Tested by Experts.” (Not to nitpick but I think just about everyone is an expert on toilet paper by the time they reach their adult years. 10,000 hours, for sure.)

According to Consumer Reports the best toilet papers are:

“Who Gives a Crap 100% Bamboo Toilet Paper”, which they describe as lint-free but “isn’t very soft”. Bamboo toilet paper has a softness problem but it is better for the septic system. At $2.33US a roll though, I want softness.

“Amazon Aware 100% Bamboo Toilet Paper”. Only $1.92US a roll, but still has a softness problem.

Just to be clear, they are both splinter free, so there is that going for them.

“Quilted Northern Ultra Plush” is the highest rated traditional toilet paper at $1.16US a roll.

“Charmin” (the “don’t squeeze the Charmin” people, I never understood that ad) make a “Forever Roll”. It’s about the size of those really large rolls you find in public toilets. It ranks very high in softness, strength and low abrasion. Strength, so it doesn’t tear during use, and low abrasion, being important to a lot of folks, I suspect, including yours truly. Since the rolls are so large they don’t fit on regular toilet roll holders the Charmin “Starter Pack” includes a build it yourself stand. For authenticity you can also include a magic marker in your bathroom for your guests to make comments on the walls and door, to really get that public bathroom experience.

I can just imagine Barb’s reaction were I to buy this.

I could write a closing paragraph here about the importance of hygiene and how toilet paper makes for a better world, and how we are so invested in a clean backside that in times of crisis we hoard toilet paper but no, I’ll just leave you with this thought.

There is only one way to put toilet paper on the holder and that’s over, people. Over!

Possible future blog topic:

Bidets: A History of North American Confusion and the French Revolution.